a4nightblade (a4nightblade) wrote,

Well, I survived the cardiologist appointment. Only had my pacemaker checked for about 15 secs, despite me making a fuss beforehand. The reason being, when they first started it up in the hospital after the procedure last year I began to feel an extra beat in my heart, followed by my blood sugar dropping rapidly and blacking out. And that's just the easy part, as the nausea I get when I wake up is beyond comprehension, the anxiety of it happening again, the sheer terror of being put into that cold, dark state of unconsciousness flooding my thoughts. I haven't had a problem since leaving the hospital back in July, but knowing that I have to go to see my cardiologist really makes me dread the prospect of it happening again.

This is what it means to have an anxiety disorder, to get worked up over the most trivial of things, even if it is a mild one at best. It's one of those conditions I have to deal with daily, and it usually manifests itself at the worst of times, particularly if I know something bad or unsettling is going to happen. It feels like I'm a prisoner in my own body, fighting to control my own chemical imbalances in my brain while trying desperately to maintain a normal life without being gripped by nervousness or anxiety for hours at end. I feel almost paralysed by its effects, my attempts to ignore my reticence crushed by its icy hold on me.

My cardiologist assures me that the extra bump in my heart when they check my pacemaker is caused by my anxiety and heightened heart rate. I don't actually feel the pacing itself but it is the thought that I will feel something that causes me to get worried and stress out. I didn't feel a thing this time round, it was only a small test afterall. However, I am due for a pacing test in August, and if they find that my condition hasn't changed, they'll make it an annual checkup. I need to find something to keep my nerves down before each checkup though, perhaps yoga or meditation techniques to ease my mind of all this.
Tags: 2010, cardiology, pacemaker

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